Happy Happy Joy Joy

I live a contrary life.

I'm a happy sunshiney person with enough contrived cynicism and pop irony to be generally regarded as someone "with a good sense of humor." I can get along with just about any kind of people in my society if I wanted to. And, most of the time I do want to get along. But, some not-so-secret part of me, that part who can only come out as a punchline to some cultural absurdity, that part is real. It's a monster that has no real place in the world. It's a beautiful creature that can only be understood if you did not see its ugly face or hear its ugly voice or smell its ugly breath. Its beauty is only revealed in the truth it notices as I wriggle and writhe in the glory of the beast within me.

It is the purest of animals that has observed the life of someone who just wanted to be happy and make others happy. And, yes, I have become happy, joyfully happy. I have also made others happy, dream-fulfillingly happy. BUT, also, I've found pain and sowed pain as well. I don't have a secret life, but I do have secret thoughts regarding my open-secrets.

For instance, I would like to announce to this virtual universe that I am gay. It's not a secret, but it's not really stamped on my forehead and I don't go around prancing my butt around town announcing that I am to anyone I come across. I love being gay and I'm glad I'm gay. I didn't always feel this way and there was a time I called it my "deep sadness." Now, I've been out for more than 12 years and I honestly do not remember how it feels to be in the closet, to be afraid of being found out, of actually caring who found out, and if they actually found out or not. I just don't care about it anymore. More precisely, it doesn't matter because it's a non-issue.

NOW, this beast, ME that just wants to kill all the dog-lovers in the world, wants my gayness to be an issue. I do want to prance around telling everyone I'm gay. I want to wave that rainbow flag in their faces. I want to grab all the bullies by their collars and ask them if they had a problem with it. Punch them in the face and then rape them until they enjoy it. They will enjoy or I won't stop. I will make them enjoy it and they will accept me into their society damn them. I'm gay and they enjoyed being gay with me just for a time. And, don't they ever forget it... EVER!

My analytical mind is thinking I just need acknowledgement and acceptance and security. And, world peace for crying out loud. Can't I just rage against society without being judged? The fact is, I can't. And, that's why I have this blog. It's anonymous and safe. I can say whatever I want as long as I don't break the corporate rules. There's no morality issue on the Net. There's only bandwidth and money. And, don't forget copyright.

So there. I don't believe in Jessica Zafra and what she represents but I'm gathering all my "Twisted" moments into this pimple of a blog. I hate emo music and I hate emo boys, but this blog will sure feel like it will fit right in their crowd. I hate it already. This blog will recognize that Alanis Morisette spoke truth and was glorified by it. And I will admit that I did like her music and I actually still do.

But, unlike a lot of the ugliness that pervades in society, this blog, this monster, this part of me that I can't expose to the world as much as I would really like to... it knows of beauty and it knows what's good in man, in society, in me, in itself.

And, the beauty it sees, I can use.